Tuesday, December 13, 2011

NaBloPoMo Day 13!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Which do you enjoy more: receiving or giving?

I actually prefer to give gifts more than receiving them.  Most of my "gift giving" age, I've struggled with money, so when I am finally able to give someone something, I love the look on their faces when they get to see the thought put behind what I got them.  I don't get to do it often, but I love when I do.

That being said...I have had a REALLY hard day, and am just emotionally drained right now.  I didn't lose anyone, and nothing "happened" to me, it's just been a day full of stress, and getting yelled at and treated like crap...yet again...and I'm just tired. I wish I had the energy to blog more about it, because there isn't anyone I can just call up and cry to at this hour, but I just don't.  

And that reminded me.  Some years back, MANY years back actually, I had a friend who lived in New York.  I remember that not many people even knew he was my friend, and we actually never even met.  It was an accidental phone call that led us to talk.  He helped me through some pretty tough times in my life, from break ups and my divorce, to temporarily losing custody of my kids, to crying through the kids' first days of school.  We shared the heartaches, and the joys.  When Mackensie first learned to walk, when Seth hit his first scoring run in baseball...holidays and birthdays and just everyday joys.  We would talk on the phone for hours, through the day and well through the evening.  We shared gifts, shared local "flare" with each other, and knew everything there was to know about each other...all via phone and mail. We met long before I had access to internet, yet we somehow managed to have daily contact...for years.

 And then 9/11 happened.  I didn't personally know anyone who died in the attacks.  The closest I got was my old dentists son dying in the towers.  But I do know that for months I couldn't get in contact with Frank because the phone systems were down.  It was a horrible time for me, though I know it was nothing like what the people of NY were going through.  About 6 months later, I finally got a phone call from him, and I spent a good hour crying on the phone.  Frank had been in the hospital most of that time, due to inhalation of the debris, and almost lost his life.  He was a different person.  He was very angry, and sad, and just withdrawn.  I never spoke to him again after that.

And it's nights like this that I just really, REALLY, miss my phone-pal.  Laying in bed, 1million and 1 thoughts going through my head, and emotion just getting the best of me, I'd give anything to have him on the other end of the phone, listening to me speak, cry, babble and even my long bouts of silence while I tried to gather myself again.  Often times there would be no reply from him, but hearing his breath was the best comfort he could give me.

While I appreciate all the support my friends give me, sometimes having someone say absolutely nothing, and just breathe, is all the comfort I need.

I spent 3 hours tonight, trying to locate him online.  I was unsuccessful and have almost hit a "mourning" state as I know that we will more than likely never speak again.

I miss you Frank, and I hope that time has healed your anger and pain.

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