Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I'm tired, and I hurt, and I'm not 22 anymore.

My body aches.  My ankles are killing me, by legs are screaming, my shoulders are biting into my bones from agony, and...I am tired.  And I've also given up soda in the last 2 weeks, so I'm sure the lack of caffeine is of no help.

We have yet to hire a replacement at work for the person who was let go.  This means my boss and I are the only ones doing the job, and it means working lots of hours.  And the money will help, I'm tired.  I've lost count of how many days in a row I have worked, and the number is going to continue to go up, because I am not going to have a day off for at least 2 more weeks.  Sigh.

It's a good thing I love my job.

That being said.  Tuesdays and Thursdays should be "early out" days for me.  Somehow I found myself not getting home until 4 hours after I normally do.  I don't know where the time went, and I'm pissed that I didn't get to spend any of it with my kids, and I'm just, ugh.

But I know that it will get better soon, and I know that someday we are going to have the perfect person walk in the door and fill out an application, and my boss and I will live MUCH easier lives, and it will all have been worth it.

Until then........I need a nap.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Unwelcomed change at the hands of others, mainly me.

It's a very difficult realization that someone important to you has changed.  It's an even more difficult realization when that change is because of something you have done.

I'm not the person I was when I was in my early 20s.  I'm not even close to that person.  My life has gone through so many ups and downs, and spins and turns, and, well....it's just not the same.

There are very few people left in my life that were in my life at that time.  Even the ones that were, I don't speak to very often.  In my early 20s, I was a  mother of four, married, and still trying to figure out what my mission in life was.  I can honestly say, I still don't know what that mission was.

Somewhere in my mid-20s, my marriage was over, my friends started to stray away, I struggled even more to find myself.  Bad decision after bad decision came next.  I've since found myself living in a completely different state, hours away from family, and still struggling.  But, I've got a job I love, though the pay sucks, and I struggle financially.  I've since met so many new friends, whose relationships are stronger and more supportive than most all of those in my past, and I am just...happy.  But there is still something missing.  I don't feel complete.  I don't feel like I've figured out what my life mission is yet.  I have no idea why I am me.

So in reconnecting with people from my past, I've come to realize that I am not the only one who has changed. People in my life have changed.  People my age are just now starting to settle into families (something I still long for) and have their "happily ever afters"(also something I still long for).  And in these reconnections, I've realized that some of these changes are because of things I've done, directly or indirectly, to these people.  And that hurts.

When you are young, you are told that your actions will effect others, and you listen to it, and you contemplate it, and then you forget it.  And that is exactly what I did.  And now I am seeing that this was true, and I should have listened, and I should have realized that I should have worked harder at these relationships, and I should not have taken for granted what was right in front of me, and I should have listened to my heart, not my head, and I should have....a lot of things that I didn't.  And my heart aches.  Because somewhere, not far from my past, is someone who is just a little bit colder, a little bit less likely to trust, and a little bit less likely to ever love, believe in, and adore someone...because of something I did to them...and I can never take back my own actions.

I hope that from this moment forward, when I am faced with a decision, I am a little better at remembering that my actions will indeed, have an impact on other people.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Brrrrrr......teeth chattering....amazing weekend!

This weekend was our first camping trip of the year.  We were joined by many of our friends.  As the weekend got closer the weather forecast got worse and worse.  I don't think a single one of us (who were all in tents, except for one in a pop up) ever considered cancelling the trip.

We arrived on Friday in beautiful weather.  It was slightly chilly, but perfect camping weather.  Not too hot to sit around a fire, but not so cold that you needed a million layers.  We got camp all set up, had dinner together, and gathered around the fire ring for some social time.  Somewhere around midnight we all went to bed.  Then 4AM hit.  Sleet.  Heavy sleet/ice pellets, temperature dropping.  We awoke in the morning to a break in the rain, so hurried up and had breakfast before the downpours started.  A group of us went out and did some local geocaching before coming back.  It got COLD.  Very cold.  We were still able to enjoy dinner, and managed to huddle ourselves around the fire.  The kids' tent had been leaking, and a few in our group were kind enough to run to town and grab a tarp.  By the time I had gotten back, the entire tent was shrouded in a tarp.  The kids said it not only kept it super dry inside, but also very warm.  I was so grateful that they had done that for us.

Somewhere after midnight, everyone went to bed.  I went up and took a shower, and finally laid down about 1:30AM.  I was out by 2.  We were greeted in the morning to sunshine and warmer temperatures.  We had our breakfast and began to pack up.  That's always the sad part, knowing that the time to say goodbye is approaching.  After everyone got everything loaded, Pokagon State Park decided it didn't want us to leave, via a series of car issues.  Fred and Katie had a blown brake line on their truck, No-H backed into a pole with his nice SUV, and my batter died.  Used my AAA to get Fred and Katies truck and trailer home, wasn't much we could do about No-H's bumper, and he jumped my van.  Then we headed off for a few more caches before leaving town.  The kids and I cached our way back home, and it was nice to get to spend those last few hours with them before the chaos of home returned to us.

All in all it was horrible weather, but we had a fantastic time!  I'd do it all over again if I could...and I hope that the group starts planning more "family" trips like this!  Already looking forward to the next one.

In other news, we have yet to hire another person at work, so I am going to be working crazy hours the next few weeks.  The pay check will be awesome!  My home life...nonexistent.  :o(  It's all going to be worth it in the end though.

Also, my 16 year old daughter, Kylie has her very first job interview this Saturday!  Wish her luck!