Wednesday, April 30, 2014
A shirt. A stupid ass shirt that I bought a few weeks ago, and finally wore. And now it's dirty and needs to be washed. Except that it is black and white stripes. The instructions say to "wash with like colors". Um, what? It's half white, and half black. And I stood there. Confused. Completely confused. So I grabbed the phone to call my mom and ask, and it occurred to me that I couldn't. I couldn't because my mom has cancer, and she is in the hospital. I hate cancer. And so this stupid shirt is the reason that I lost every single ounce of tears that had hidden in my body since the last breakdown. a stupid shirt
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I had a whole lot of activity crammed into my weekend. I don't know if I am on emotional overload, or what tonight, but I can't sleep....more so than usual. Tonight I'm thinking about my mom, and all the things that I wish that I could do with her again. But the truth is, she will probably never have the strength to do any of that again. Tonight my heart hurts. Tonight I want to tell my 10 year old self to make more of an effort to enjoy every single moment with my mom....because it WILL come to an end someday. Tonight I want to lay my head on her lap, and just watch television together. Tonight I want to be 22 years old, standing in her bathroom as I was preparing for a flight, alone, to California, and she was showing me how to properly apply eye-liner. Tonight I want to be sitting at her kitchen table, doing our 60 second "poem challenges". Tonight I want to look out the window, and see her ever content, plucking away at her flower garden. Tonight I have regrets. Tonight, I want to relive all of my yesterdays.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
I live in a world of social media...and I hate it. It has become an excuse for people to not have to reach out when someone is in need. Its created cold friendships. The last year has been a whirlwind of changes and I am struggling with them. Things are progressing in positive ways, and I am smart enough to see that some very positive things have happened in my life. But with that has come some very cold realization. I haven't lived on my own since I was 18, and even that was only for a brief moment. Its been a huge adjustment. Everyone talked and commented on how proud they were of me, and how eager they were to see the new place...and how they were excited to visit. I've been here three months I've had 4 visitors....2 of them traveled over 2 hours to see me. I've extended multiple invitations. There is always a reason....needless to say, I've given up even asking. I feel like a pathetic person begging for someone to play with. Last February I had surgery, after being rushed to the hospital. There were complications that lead to a much more complex procedure, and longer hospital stay, than anticipated. Other than my parents, I had exactly one visitor. One. During the following weeks that I was so bidden that I was crawling to the bathroom, I had no offers of help....or even just company. Last October was my birthday. My phone rang twice. My step dad was the first, calling me first thing that morning(see why I love this man so much. HE picks up the phone, because he knows that it matters.) Everyone else did their birthday wishing on Facebook. I bought my own dinner that night, I went to bed realizing that even some of my very closest family just posted via Facebook...not bothering to call. It was a bad day. I have a lot going on in my life right now that is really bringing me down. Work sucks. Personal life sucks. My relationship with my kids sucks because my work and personal life suck. My romantic life, or lack thereof, sucks. And despite ALL of that, I've tried to remain positive, and start each and everyday on a positive note. And its backfired. The past 3 days has been incredibly hard. I've spent most of them crying, feeling defeated, let down, and alone. My phone has rung exactly once. My mom. My mom who has lung cancer and can hardly speak. My mom who gets exhausted from the shortest of conversations. My mom who is on vacation. I was at work and couldn't answer. But still she left a voicemail letting me know that she was concerned and just wanted to chat. One call.
And I went to him, so out of breath from crying that the words could hardly escape my lips. I felt as though a thousand pounds was currently resting on my eyelids, pushing them closed atop the gallons of tears streaming from them...and down my face. I just needed someone to let me cry. And he responded by telling me that I was selfish. That he had had a long day at work, and I was simply using my mothers diagnosis to try and get sympathy from him. And he couldn't have been further from the truth. And despite all of the months of affairs, and lies and meanness.... It was this one action that made me realize that this was never going to last. It was at that moment that I realized that I had loved this man far more than he ever deserved to be loved by me. By anyone. It was at that moment that I realized that out of the two people in this room...I was the 50% that wasn't selfish. I don't want to be anything more than someone else's "happy". I want to have someone who understands that sometimes a woman just has an emotion and she needs to cry it out. Not because she needs sympathy, but simply because her heart is hurting. It wasn't for sympathy. Maybe I was just testing you to see if you were worthy of my love. You weren't.