When is enough, enough? I'm pretty convinced that I don't want to know the answer to that. Or, perhaps, I've found it already.
What a stressful few weeks we've had in this family. I'm not even brave enough for the "what else can happen?" question, because life has gotten pretty good at showing you that it can, indeed, put you in your place.
We have had some pretty nasty issues with Kensie at school, leading to her being depressed, due to bullying. A classmate recently committed suicide for the same reason. I won't dwell on that, just know that it is a horrible thing, and these parents REALLY should be held accountable. If you are a parent, even if you don't think they are involved in such behavior, PLEASE talk to your children about the affects of bullying.
I haven't mentioned this yet, but recently my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has a tumor about the size of the end of a finger, and it has caused one of her lungs to "fold over" on itself. It's cutting off her breathing, and pushing up against her vocal cords, causing her to not be able to breathe or talk. While I suspected it was a diagnoses that was coming, it still was a shock. She was supposed to start radiation treatment last Friday. She went in for her testing and prep on Thursday. When she arrived Friday, they informed her they had found more cancer. There is one spot on her collar bone, and 4 (Or 5, I don't remember which) in her brain.
shock.
speechless.
crushed.
scared.
Mom says the doctors are confident that they can treat it with the radiation. Followed by chemo. I wasn't prepared for this. Then again, is anyone ever prepared for this? We just have to take one day at a time, pray and hope for the best, and be confident that she is in very good hands. We have never been through something like this, I have no idea what to expect....so I pray for the best.
Right now, most things are just a haze, and I can't even imagine what is going through my mothers mind. I was lucky to spend most of the day with her, my step-father, and brother, yesterday, just hanging out.
Today, Jei left town for 3 weeks of work training. :( My best friend is on vacation for the next week. :( She has done an awesome job of checking up on us. I miss her like crazy, but being that we live 1.5 hours apart, I miss her like crazy every day.
The next few months will be difficult, I am sure, but I am surrounded by people who are a great support system, and I am blessed in that.
Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
YAY FOR KAYAK SEASON!
This past winter, we bought new kayaks. I LOVE to kayak about as much as I love to geocache, or camp. We have been itching to get out on the water, but weather and work schedule have prevented it. Yesterday both of those aligned, and we were able to get the yaks wet for the first time ever.
It was a perfect day. It was SO good to be out on the water again, enjoying nature, and the company. It was so completely relaxing. It was the exact thing I needed....to clear my head for awhile.
There has been a LOT going on in my personal life here lately. My mother has been pretty sick, and that has been very scary for me. I don't like seeing her this way. She isn't mom when she is sick. I just keep praying she gets better soon, and that the oncologist has the answer.
I've also been dealing with my youngest daughter being severely bullied at school, and her depression from it. It saddens me just how mean and hurtful some people can be, just because it brings them pleasure. I can't imagine being a child in school these days. It's hard enough to deal with bullying as an adult, but these poor kids. Just yesterday, a 13 year old one town over shot him self outside of his old school. A classmate of my daughters over-dosed 2 weeks ago. It seems every day another child is taking their life because of bullying. It angers me, greatly, and I really feel like it's time the schools and parents were held accountable for not protecting these victims. I know I personally have talked to the school several times about my daughters situation, and it seems nothing is being done, because it still continues. My saving grace, there. are only 6 days of school left.
Aside from work, and the stuff mentioned, there isn't really a whole lot going on, other than I've been going to the gym with my friend, Sabrina. I've really been enjoying that. I also had my first camping trip of the year, last weekend, and it was AWESOME! Some friends of mine recently bought property along a river, and it was the perfect place for many of us to gather for the extended weekend. It was SO nice to not have any agenda, and just enjoy the time together.
Hope everyone is well....
It was a perfect day. It was SO good to be out on the water again, enjoying nature, and the company. It was so completely relaxing. It was the exact thing I needed....to clear my head for awhile.
There has been a LOT going on in my personal life here lately. My mother has been pretty sick, and that has been very scary for me. I don't like seeing her this way. She isn't mom when she is sick. I just keep praying she gets better soon, and that the oncologist has the answer.
I've also been dealing with my youngest daughter being severely bullied at school, and her depression from it. It saddens me just how mean and hurtful some people can be, just because it brings them pleasure. I can't imagine being a child in school these days. It's hard enough to deal with bullying as an adult, but these poor kids. Just yesterday, a 13 year old one town over shot him self outside of his old school. A classmate of my daughters over-dosed 2 weeks ago. It seems every day another child is taking their life because of bullying. It angers me, greatly, and I really feel like it's time the schools and parents were held accountable for not protecting these victims. I know I personally have talked to the school several times about my daughters situation, and it seems nothing is being done, because it still continues. My saving grace, there. are only 6 days of school left.
Aside from work, and the stuff mentioned, there isn't really a whole lot going on, other than I've been going to the gym with my friend, Sabrina. I've really been enjoying that. I also had my first camping trip of the year, last weekend, and it was AWESOME! Some friends of mine recently bought property along a river, and it was the perfect place for many of us to gather for the extended weekend. It was SO nice to not have any agenda, and just enjoy the time together.
Hope everyone is well....
Friday, March 15, 2013
Ain't no sunshine....oh but there is!
I'm over winter. I've been over winter since 3 seconds after the first snowfall of the season.
But the last 2 days we have had some beautiful weather. It's been mildly warm, and the sun is out. And I love it. I've also seen the first of the red-winged black birds and sandhill cranes of the year, and that means spring is near. It also means it's almost camping season!
I love the out-of-doors. So being holed up in the winter really puts me in a funk. I guess it worked out well that I had to spend a month of it recovering from my surgery. I'd rather do that when it's cold outside, than when it's warm and I want to be out camping, or kayaking, or hiking, or geocaching, or photographing, or.....
In recovery news, I feel fantastic. I'm slowly introducing "pre-surgery" foods back into my diet, and have even successfully eaten red meat 3 times. Oh how I love red meat. And it occurred to me yesterday that I haven't even had to take Tums since surgery. I used to have up to 6 a night. I really just feel fantastic!
I have also decided to go back into training for the 5K. I need to see a doctor about my knee, as it still causes pain, and I don't want to further injure it. In the meantime, I will just take things slow and easy. But I'm ready to get back into shape. I'm also debating going to the Y and signing up the family. I think the kids would really enjoy it. But I've been off of my feet for 6 months, and I no longer have my running buddy to motivate me, so this is going to be VERY hard. Please wish me luck!
All in all, things are going great. I have some small stressors, but things are really starting to look up. I've had a couple interviews in the last few weeks, and they went really well. One is a job that I just didn't feel would work well for me, but if they offer me the job, I will take it. The other, which I've interviewed twice for, is something I feel pretty great about. The employees all have great attitudes, and the manager was just a very nice, caring woman. I think it would be a wonderful fit for me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and will hopefully hear something the beginning of the week.
I hope the few of you that read this are doing well. I'm off to prepare for a kid-free weekend of enjoyment. Heading out tomorrow for some geocaching therapy. Yesterday was my 8 year Cache-a-versary and I love it still today as much as I did 8 years ago!
Happy Spring, everyone!
But the last 2 days we have had some beautiful weather. It's been mildly warm, and the sun is out. And I love it. I've also seen the first of the red-winged black birds and sandhill cranes of the year, and that means spring is near. It also means it's almost camping season!
I love the out-of-doors. So being holed up in the winter really puts me in a funk. I guess it worked out well that I had to spend a month of it recovering from my surgery. I'd rather do that when it's cold outside, than when it's warm and I want to be out camping, or kayaking, or hiking, or geocaching, or photographing, or.....
In recovery news, I feel fantastic. I'm slowly introducing "pre-surgery" foods back into my diet, and have even successfully eaten red meat 3 times. Oh how I love red meat. And it occurred to me yesterday that I haven't even had to take Tums since surgery. I used to have up to 6 a night. I really just feel fantastic!
I have also decided to go back into training for the 5K. I need to see a doctor about my knee, as it still causes pain, and I don't want to further injure it. In the meantime, I will just take things slow and easy. But I'm ready to get back into shape. I'm also debating going to the Y and signing up the family. I think the kids would really enjoy it. But I've been off of my feet for 6 months, and I no longer have my running buddy to motivate me, so this is going to be VERY hard. Please wish me luck!
All in all, things are going great. I have some small stressors, but things are really starting to look up. I've had a couple interviews in the last few weeks, and they went really well. One is a job that I just didn't feel would work well for me, but if they offer me the job, I will take it. The other, which I've interviewed twice for, is something I feel pretty great about. The employees all have great attitudes, and the manager was just a very nice, caring woman. I think it would be a wonderful fit for me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and will hopefully hear something the beginning of the week.
I hope the few of you that read this are doing well. I'm off to prepare for a kid-free weekend of enjoyment. Heading out tomorrow for some geocaching therapy. Yesterday was my 8 year Cache-a-versary and I love it still today as much as I did 8 years ago!
Happy Spring, everyone!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Fear? Yeah, I know what that is.
The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. A whirlwind of emotions that I didn't know how to handle, and still don't. I've had a few ups, I've had a lot of downs, and I've even had some WAY downs. I've been afraid. I've been scared. I've been terrified.
It's no secret, to this blog, or anyone who knows me, for that matter, that I've had gall bladder issues for some years now. I know pain, trust me, I know pain. But for the last 3-4 months or so, something has just been different. The pain had become more what I would classify as "chronic", and I was just SO tired and weak all the time. I just didn't feel like myself, and it made me sad, depressed, and just not sure of life itself. I've had a few people, who really know me well, tell me that I just haven't been myself lately, and I knew it was true...but I didn't know why. I'd dealt with the gall bladder pain for so long, that I never even thought to associate my depression with it.
And so January comes, and I land back in the hospital emergency room with another "gall bladder" attack. This finally set into motion the planning stages for removal. I was SO thankful to finally have insurance and was very excited to know things were moving forward. But something still just didn't feel right. Surgery scheduled for February 20th. My countdown began.
And then the night I've already blogged about happened, and I landed BACK in the ER, 8 days before my scheduled surgery date. Sitting in the waiting room alone, it hit me. I was terrified. Knowing something didn't feel right, I was flat out terrified.
After meeting with my doctor today, here is a quick summary of what had happened:
In the ER in January, they did blood work on me. At that time, my bilirubin was .6. Anything below 1 is normal. So they never thought twice about it. They assumed I was under another "attack", gave me pain meds, referred me to a surgeon, and sent me on my way.
And on February 12th, when I landed in the hospital, my bilirubin was .9. Still in the "normal" range, but higher than what it was in January, and this made a red-flag for my surgeon. That is why she decided to admit me, and do surgery right away. Upon surgery, they found the blocked common duct, and she thought perhaps that was why my liver was reacting more than normal. She thinks the block had been there for at least a few months, and that is why I was feeling differently. My bilirubin was .2 after surgery. So while the .9 was still considered "normal", it was almost 5 times what is normal for me. As she said, I was a "very sick lady".
The weeks following surgery were NOTHING like what I thought they would be like. I expected to be back to pre-attack condition in just a few days, and that didn't happen. A combination of Norco, and surgery, and complications there-in, caused serious side effects, and I just hurt. I hurt so bad I was once again depressed. I was frustrated because I didn't have any way to explain what I was feeling, both emotionally and physically. I was mad because things weren't going the way I expected. I was terrified because I feared the worst.
I've now had to wait 10 days for the results of my liver biopsy. I didn't know what to expect. I've never really had a lot of medical problems. Aside from weight issues, I've been a pretty healthy person. This was all new to me. I was experiencing emotions I didn't know one could have. I began to research different reasons that my liver enzymes could be elevated, and so many things began crossing my mind. If something did happen to me, who would take care of my kids. Did they know how much I loved them? The most extreme thoughts were running through my head. I was having one hell of a wake up call.
I finally got in to see the surgeon today, and I was sick to my stomach with worry. I tried to read everyone's faces at the office, for some sort of hint that they knew my bad news. And the doctor came in smiling, and the first thing she said was "you look SO much better than the last time I saw you. You look absolutely incredible". I could just see something in her face that meant good news. And it was.
I was diagnosed with hypertension in the hospital. Today, my blood pressure was "almost normal". I'd lost 20lbs since pre-surgery. And best of all, my liver biopsy was negative.
And like a feather in the breeze, every ounce of fear was gone. I could breathe. After holding my breath in fear for 4 months, I could breathe.
I know there are people that go through MUCH larger scares than mine. But this whole situation, the last 4 years, and especially the last 4 months, has been an incredible wake up call to me. My life will change, and I welcome that. I'm ready to try this again, a little more "health aware" this time around.
There are some personal things going on in my life right now that are going to throw me some severe curve-balls. Small chapters in my life will be closing, and that saddens me. And so I'm closing this blog post with a short little reminder note to myself:
Amber, it's okay to be afraid, really afraid, sometimes. Those who truly love you, will understand, and stand beside you until the very end...because they love you....not just because it's the "right thing to do".
It's no secret, to this blog, or anyone who knows me, for that matter, that I've had gall bladder issues for some years now. I know pain, trust me, I know pain. But for the last 3-4 months or so, something has just been different. The pain had become more what I would classify as "chronic", and I was just SO tired and weak all the time. I just didn't feel like myself, and it made me sad, depressed, and just not sure of life itself. I've had a few people, who really know me well, tell me that I just haven't been myself lately, and I knew it was true...but I didn't know why. I'd dealt with the gall bladder pain for so long, that I never even thought to associate my depression with it.
And so January comes, and I land back in the hospital emergency room with another "gall bladder" attack. This finally set into motion the planning stages for removal. I was SO thankful to finally have insurance and was very excited to know things were moving forward. But something still just didn't feel right. Surgery scheduled for February 20th. My countdown began.
And then the night I've already blogged about happened, and I landed BACK in the ER, 8 days before my scheduled surgery date. Sitting in the waiting room alone, it hit me. I was terrified. Knowing something didn't feel right, I was flat out terrified.
After meeting with my doctor today, here is a quick summary of what had happened:
In the ER in January, they did blood work on me. At that time, my bilirubin was .6. Anything below 1 is normal. So they never thought twice about it. They assumed I was under another "attack", gave me pain meds, referred me to a surgeon, and sent me on my way.
And on February 12th, when I landed in the hospital, my bilirubin was .9. Still in the "normal" range, but higher than what it was in January, and this made a red-flag for my surgeon. That is why she decided to admit me, and do surgery right away. Upon surgery, they found the blocked common duct, and she thought perhaps that was why my liver was reacting more than normal. She thinks the block had been there for at least a few months, and that is why I was feeling differently. My bilirubin was .2 after surgery. So while the .9 was still considered "normal", it was almost 5 times what is normal for me. As she said, I was a "very sick lady".
The weeks following surgery were NOTHING like what I thought they would be like. I expected to be back to pre-attack condition in just a few days, and that didn't happen. A combination of Norco, and surgery, and complications there-in, caused serious side effects, and I just hurt. I hurt so bad I was once again depressed. I was frustrated because I didn't have any way to explain what I was feeling, both emotionally and physically. I was mad because things weren't going the way I expected. I was terrified because I feared the worst.
I've now had to wait 10 days for the results of my liver biopsy. I didn't know what to expect. I've never really had a lot of medical problems. Aside from weight issues, I've been a pretty healthy person. This was all new to me. I was experiencing emotions I didn't know one could have. I began to research different reasons that my liver enzymes could be elevated, and so many things began crossing my mind. If something did happen to me, who would take care of my kids. Did they know how much I loved them? The most extreme thoughts were running through my head. I was having one hell of a wake up call.
I finally got in to see the surgeon today, and I was sick to my stomach with worry. I tried to read everyone's faces at the office, for some sort of hint that they knew my bad news. And the doctor came in smiling, and the first thing she said was "you look SO much better than the last time I saw you. You look absolutely incredible". I could just see something in her face that meant good news. And it was.
I was diagnosed with hypertension in the hospital. Today, my blood pressure was "almost normal". I'd lost 20lbs since pre-surgery. And best of all, my liver biopsy was negative.
And like a feather in the breeze, every ounce of fear was gone. I could breathe. After holding my breath in fear for 4 months, I could breathe.
I know there are people that go through MUCH larger scares than mine. But this whole situation, the last 4 years, and especially the last 4 months, has been an incredible wake up call to me. My life will change, and I welcome that. I'm ready to try this again, a little more "health aware" this time around.
There are some personal things going on in my life right now that are going to throw me some severe curve-balls. Small chapters in my life will be closing, and that saddens me. And so I'm closing this blog post with a short little reminder note to myself:
Amber, it's okay to be afraid, really afraid, sometimes. Those who truly love you, will understand, and stand beside you until the very end...because they love you....not just because it's the "right thing to do".
Friday, February 22, 2013
Fireplace Therapy. Who knew?
I can't even believe I'm about to say this, but here goes.
I FEEL FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally! After 10 days of suffering, I feel fantastic! I managed to tag along to the laundry mat, put my clothes away, and took off to visit my friend Tim for awhile, with the spawn. (mid-winter break = day off school)
I've been working to restore Tim and Samantha's 100 year old fireplace mantle, but got so sick that I couldn't get over there to do it. Tim decided to spoil me today, with a heat gun. He informed me of this on my way out the door, and knowing I have no self control when it comes to the mantel, I grabbed a grungy shirt before leaving. It wasn't long after my arrival that we decided to just "try it out". Sure enough, within minutes, I was changing my shirt and diving in. He made sure I had a chair to sit in, so I didn't over-do myself. I didn't spend a whole lot of time on it, but it felt awesome just to be back at it. I've really missed that project, and look forward to getting better so I can work on it even more.
And then we went to dinner, and they treated the kids and I. It was hard to figure out what I was "brave" enough to eat, but after some texting to my personal chef, I figured it out. A nice, yummy, chicken dish. And I ate almost all of it, with healthy, low fat sides. And here it is, 8 hours later and NO TUMMY ACHES!
We spent some time walking around Sams club, Megabev, and even Walmart. I am exhausted, but most importantly, I'm not hurting.
I really do think that mantel was just the therapy I needed!
I FEEL FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally! After 10 days of suffering, I feel fantastic! I managed to tag along to the laundry mat, put my clothes away, and took off to visit my friend Tim for awhile, with the spawn. (mid-winter break = day off school)
I've been working to restore Tim and Samantha's 100 year old fireplace mantle, but got so sick that I couldn't get over there to do it. Tim decided to spoil me today, with a heat gun. He informed me of this on my way out the door, and knowing I have no self control when it comes to the mantel, I grabbed a grungy shirt before leaving. It wasn't long after my arrival that we decided to just "try it out". Sure enough, within minutes, I was changing my shirt and diving in. He made sure I had a chair to sit in, so I didn't over-do myself. I didn't spend a whole lot of time on it, but it felt awesome just to be back at it. I've really missed that project, and look forward to getting better so I can work on it even more.
And then we went to dinner, and they treated the kids and I. It was hard to figure out what I was "brave" enough to eat, but after some texting to my personal chef, I figured it out. A nice, yummy, chicken dish. And I ate almost all of it, with healthy, low fat sides. And here it is, 8 hours later and NO TUMMY ACHES!
We spent some time walking around Sams club, Megabev, and even Walmart. I am exhausted, but most importantly, I'm not hurting.
I really do think that mantel was just the therapy I needed!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I just want to feel better....
So, I'm sitting here waiting for the doctor to call back. I finally broke down and called them today. It's been a few hours short of one week since my surgery, and I just don't feel any better. As I type this, I honestly feel like I did the day I went in to the emergency room.
And it's frustrating. Because I hear all these stories of how quickly people recover, and how soon they were back to doing normal every day things, and I can barely get out of bed to dry heave over the toilet for a few minutes. I don't want to feel this way, I'm tired of feeling this way. I thought that having this surgery was going to be life-changing for me, and it has...but it hasn't been in a good way.
Pre-surgery, when I'd have a gall bladder attack, they would eventually go away. I'd have a few days, a few weeks, even sometimes a few months, of pain free living. I always knew they could and would come back, but I got some sort of break. I have been in constant pain since I checked into the hospital 8 days ago...surgery 7 days ago. I'm miserable. The people around me are miserable, because I can't even get out of bed to socialize, feed my kids, check their homework, take them to school...just care for them. I have a million things I could and should be doing, and not an ounce of strength to do even one.
I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm terrified of what this could be a sign of. Why are things still not "right"? Why am I still hurting? Why can't I eat? Why don't I have any strength? I just feel like there is more wrong, something isn't right, and I'm worried about what that could be.
And probably the most frustrating is that I don't know how to express what exactly it is that is wrong. I just have this constant cramping, aching feeling, in my tummy. All over. I haven't been taking the pain killer, for fear of constipation and other side effects. I know that long term use can cause liver issues, and they are already concerned about my liver. And so I didn't know if my pain was caused from a need to have a BM or not. So, I took the laxative they suggested, and waited. And things happened, and then....still felt horrible.
And I'm frustrated because I feel like people are starting to not believe me that I'm not feeling better. I'm tired of having to answer the "how ya feeling today" question with "terrible"...but that is the only way to explain it. I'm frustrated because people want answers from me, and I don't have them. I'm frustrated, because I want answers, and I can't get them. I'm just frustrated. I'm just hurting. I'm just sick. I'm just tired. I just want this over.
And it's frustrating. Because I hear all these stories of how quickly people recover, and how soon they were back to doing normal every day things, and I can barely get out of bed to dry heave over the toilet for a few minutes. I don't want to feel this way, I'm tired of feeling this way. I thought that having this surgery was going to be life-changing for me, and it has...but it hasn't been in a good way.
Pre-surgery, when I'd have a gall bladder attack, they would eventually go away. I'd have a few days, a few weeks, even sometimes a few months, of pain free living. I always knew they could and would come back, but I got some sort of break. I have been in constant pain since I checked into the hospital 8 days ago...surgery 7 days ago. I'm miserable. The people around me are miserable, because I can't even get out of bed to socialize, feed my kids, check their homework, take them to school...just care for them. I have a million things I could and should be doing, and not an ounce of strength to do even one.
I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm terrified of what this could be a sign of. Why are things still not "right"? Why am I still hurting? Why can't I eat? Why don't I have any strength? I just feel like there is more wrong, something isn't right, and I'm worried about what that could be.
And probably the most frustrating is that I don't know how to express what exactly it is that is wrong. I just have this constant cramping, aching feeling, in my tummy. All over. I haven't been taking the pain killer, for fear of constipation and other side effects. I know that long term use can cause liver issues, and they are already concerned about my liver. And so I didn't know if my pain was caused from a need to have a BM or not. So, I took the laxative they suggested, and waited. And things happened, and then....still felt horrible.
And I'm frustrated because I feel like people are starting to not believe me that I'm not feeling better. I'm tired of having to answer the "how ya feeling today" question with "terrible"...but that is the only way to explain it. I'm frustrated because people want answers from me, and I don't have them. I'm frustrated, because I want answers, and I can't get them. I'm just frustrated. I'm just hurting. I'm just sick. I'm just tired. I just want this over.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
The Road to Recovery...
So I've been home about 2 days now. Shortly after getting home, the kids left for their dads for the weekend. I've pretty much been alone since then, and that really sucks. I know I've needed time to rest and recover, but knowing there is nobody else in the house to even get me a glass of water if I don't have the strength to, or just make sure I get to the bathroom without getting light headed again....yeah, that part totally sucks.
I still hurt. Far badly than I thought I would. The gall bladder pain is completely gone, obviously. This is a totally different kind of pain. Each incision hurts a little more than the last, my muscles ache. Even standing up is a challenge, because I've been laying down since Tuesday, and my body just isn't used to moving at all anymore. Getting out of bed scares me more than anything, being afraid my legs will give out, or that I will get dizzy and pass out.
Going into this, everyone kept talking about how "easy" the procedure was, and how I'd be back to myself by the second day. I really didn't intend to be down this long with the recovery, because "nobody else took that long". I think I was fooling myself, I think others were fooled, not realizing just how sick I was. The fatigue I was feeling before admission to the hospital is one of the main side-effects that I am now realizing. I thought I just had no motivation, and I didn't, but there was a medical reason why. There still is. I'm just so exhausted, even keeping my eyes open is a major challenge anymore. The fact that a simple in and out 1 hour surgery turned into a 4.5 hour surgery should be all the proof I need that things aren't "normal" with my procedure.
I've always been a pretty good person at tolerating pain. I may get whiney at times, but when it comes right down to it, when the pain has been at it's worst, I just find a way to get through it. And I still continue to do that, I just need to vent about it a little.
And I'm frustrated. I'm tired of being stuck in the house. I know it's for my own good, but I need fresh air. I need to get out and walk around, get some sun on my face, see people.
I need to be better. I need to see some light at the end of this tunnel. I need people to understand that not everyone heals the same, not everyones procedure was the same. It's "ok" that I still hurt, and need a little more time to heal than "so and so that I knew....".
I need a happy pill. A giant happy pill and some sleep.
I still hurt. Far badly than I thought I would. The gall bladder pain is completely gone, obviously. This is a totally different kind of pain. Each incision hurts a little more than the last, my muscles ache. Even standing up is a challenge, because I've been laying down since Tuesday, and my body just isn't used to moving at all anymore. Getting out of bed scares me more than anything, being afraid my legs will give out, or that I will get dizzy and pass out.
Going into this, everyone kept talking about how "easy" the procedure was, and how I'd be back to myself by the second day. I really didn't intend to be down this long with the recovery, because "nobody else took that long". I think I was fooling myself, I think others were fooled, not realizing just how sick I was. The fatigue I was feeling before admission to the hospital is one of the main side-effects that I am now realizing. I thought I just had no motivation, and I didn't, but there was a medical reason why. There still is. I'm just so exhausted, even keeping my eyes open is a major challenge anymore. The fact that a simple in and out 1 hour surgery turned into a 4.5 hour surgery should be all the proof I need that things aren't "normal" with my procedure.
I've always been a pretty good person at tolerating pain. I may get whiney at times, but when it comes right down to it, when the pain has been at it's worst, I just find a way to get through it. And I still continue to do that, I just need to vent about it a little.
And I'm frustrated. I'm tired of being stuck in the house. I know it's for my own good, but I need fresh air. I need to get out and walk around, get some sun on my face, see people.
I need to be better. I need to see some light at the end of this tunnel. I need people to understand that not everyone heals the same, not everyones procedure was the same. It's "ok" that I still hurt, and need a little more time to heal than "so and so that I knew....".
I need a happy pill. A giant happy pill and some sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)