Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Moving Forward...

I am a girl without her mother. I never wanted to be that. I had this unrealistic belief that my mother would be in my life forever. She is not. I am the girl who lost her mom at 37. Not just her mom, but her best friend. Her hero. Her rock. Her confidant. Her everything.... And if I try to talk about that, I'll just spend the rest of my day in tears. June 23, 2014. I hate that day. And on that day, I not only lost my mom to cancer, but I learned a lot. I learned who my "loved ones" really are. I learned who was there for me. I learned who the type of people that I wanted in my life were. I learned that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be. I learned that I needed to change. And I have changed. A lot. Even since my moms diagnosis. Priorities are different. Relationships are different. The ways that I was seeing the people in my life are different. No longer can I stand the drama that was encasing so many of my friendships. The talking behind backs, the judging, the hatred and anger. Yes, I was just as guilty. I surround myself with as much "happy" as possible. And in doing so, amazing things have happened. I have had many friends walk out of my life in the past 6 months, without a word. I learned that I was ok with that. Because I was no longer the person that they had become friends with. I'm a better person. I've come to cherish those close to me. I've come to cherish little moments within each day. I've come to love life. I got a promotion at work. To a position that I'm incredibly passionate about. That I love talking about. That I love expanding and experimenting and interacting and watching grow. And I've given up looking for my other half. 2 years single has led to a lot of let me downs, a lot of lies, a lot of ugly truths. Maybe it's just not my time. I know mom would want me happy, so I just have to step back and breathe. And maybe... And maybe. Just maybe....she will send him to me.

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