Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Call me old fashion if you must, but at least you'd be calling me...

I live in a world of social media...and I hate it. It has become an excuse for people to not have to reach out when someone is in need. Its created cold friendships. The last year has been a whirlwind of changes and I am struggling with them. Things are progressing in positive ways, and I am smart enough to see that some very positive things have happened in my life. But with that has come some very cold realization. I haven't lived on my own since I was 18, and even that was only for a brief moment. Its been a huge adjustment. Everyone talked and commented on how proud they were of me, and how eager they were to see the new place...and how they were excited to visit. I've been here three months I've had 4 visitors....2 of them traveled over 2 hours to see me. I've extended multiple invitations. There is always a reason....needless to say, I've given up even asking. I feel like a pathetic person begging for someone to play with. Last February I had surgery, after being rushed to the hospital. There were complications that lead to a much more complex procedure, and longer hospital stay, than anticipated. Other than my parents, I had exactly one visitor. One. During the following weeks that I was so bidden that I was crawling to the bathroom, I had no offers of help....or even just company. Last October was my birthday. My phone rang twice. My step dad was the first, calling me first thing that morning(see why I love this man so much. HE picks up the phone, because he knows that it matters.) Everyone else did their birthday wishing on Facebook. I bought my own dinner that night, I went to bed realizing that even some of my very closest family just posted via Facebook...not bothering to call. It was a bad day. I have a lot going on in my life right now that is really bringing me down. Work sucks. Personal life sucks. My relationship with my kids sucks because my work and personal life suck. My romantic life, or lack thereof, sucks. And despite ALL of that, I've tried to remain positive, and start each and everyday on a positive note. And its backfired. The past 3 days has been incredibly hard. I've spent most of them crying, feeling defeated, let down, and alone. My phone has rung exactly once. My mom. My mom who has lung cancer and can hardly speak. My mom who gets exhausted from the shortest of conversations. My mom who is on vacation. I was at work and couldn't answer. But still she left a voicemail letting me know that she was concerned and just wanted to chat. One call.

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