Moving Forward...

I am a girl without her mother. I never wanted to be that. I had this unrealistic belief that my mother would be in my life forever. She is not. I am the girl who lost her mom at 37. Not just her mom, but her best friend. Her hero. Her rock. Her confidant. Her everything.... And if I try to talk about that, I'll just spend the rest of my day in tears. June 23, 2014. I hate that day. And on that day, I not only lost my mom to cancer, but I learned a lot. I learned who my "loved ones" really are. I learned who was there for me. I learned who the type of people that I wanted in my life were. I learned that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be. I learned that I needed to change. And I have changed. A lot. Even since my moms diagnosis. Priorities are different. Relationships are different. The ways that I was seeing the people in my life are different. No longer can I stand the drama that was encasing so many of my friendships. The talking behind backs, the judging, the hatred and anger. Yes, I was just as guilty. I surround myself with as much "happy" as possible. And in doing so, amazing things have happened. I have had many friends walk out of my life in the past 6 months, without a word. I learned that I was ok with that. Because I was no longer the person that they had become friends with. I'm a better person. I've come to cherish those close to me. I've come to cherish little moments within each day. I've come to love life. I got a promotion at work. To a position that I'm incredibly passionate about. That I love talking about. That I love expanding and experimenting and interacting and watching grow. And I've given up looking for my other half. 2 years single has led to a lot of let me downs, a lot of lies, a lot of ugly truths. Maybe it's just not my time. I know mom would want me happy, so I just have to step back and breathe. And maybe... And maybe. Just maybe....she will send him to me.

June 23, 2014

The day that I still struggle to move beyond... My mother is gone.

I just want to see him cry...

I found this tonight....this was written before mom died...I'm sharing it now. Last night I got asked to join someone at the local speedway. I had an amazing time. Probably the best time I've had in the last year. My mind was clear, I was doing something I love to do...watch racing...and I had great company. I was sitting in the stands when the sun set. I was remembering how as a kid, we'd always go to the races on the weekends, and how much I loved it. We played some of the same "pick your driver games" that we did as a kid. I was just flooded with memories. And I cried. And as I was trying to hide my tears from my company, I looked up and for the first time in a year...noticed the stars. The very first one I spotted, I wished on...and I know you aren't supposed to tell your wishes, but I've always kept them in and they've never come true. So I thought that maybe if I said it this time, it would... I want my dad to cry. It's been one year since we were told that our mother had cancer, and that it was terminal. And in that time, I have watched while my brother and I went through, and continue to go through, emotion after emotion. And my dad hasn't wavered once. I can recall one time, hearing his voice quiver just a little bit. I remember exactly what he was saying, I remember exactly how I felt the second I heard it. And I remember thinking at that very moment, "that is going to stick with me forever", and it has. And now it's a year later. And I'd give anything to see my dad cry. Because I know that he is not crying because he thinks that he needs to be strong for us, and for her, and for everybody in her life that loves her. I do need him to be strong. But more than I need him to be strong, I need him to cry.