Lately I have found myself in this serious "funk". It seems nothing is going right, I have no motivation, I'm ready for a different life, I miss people, I want people gone, I just......ugh.
And it's Christmas. And this holiday season I have found myself without a job, because I was forced to relocate much sooner than I anticipated. And the job market sucks, and...a lot of stuff....
And as much as that SUCKS, and as much as I miss a LOT of things about my "old" life, I know a lot of things are for the better. And because it is the Christmas season, I have learned something else too.
I am depressed. I can't seem to get out of this weird state I'm in. I'm so super happy one second, but the moment I feel someone is disappointed in something I do, I lose all self esteem. I vanish into another room, and I cry. I'm broken. I am sad, I hurt, I'm lonely....I'm broken.
And then something like today happens. I have had incredible support through the holidays. From my friend Mark surprising me with a gift card, my BFFs mom surprising me with Pizza Hut gift cards, my mom giving me a little bit of money to buy presents for the kids, my Ex-Boss calling out to "secret santas" to help me out, even simple little emails of encouragement. They have all helped beyond words.
And as if that wasn't enough, the past few days I've just been overwhelmed with kind acts. My ex-boyfriends family sent gifts for the kids, his mom and dad...even his sister. I've realized that when you are with someone for almost 8 years, it's very hard to just "let go". You are breaking up with the family too. A family that was a HUGE part of my children's lives, for a very long time. This is our first Christmas since 2005, not celebrating with them. Perhaps this is part of my depression. I miss them, terribly. And I am not sure what the correct way to handle those emotions are, because Brad and I are done, but I would give just about anything to spend just one more holiday with his family.
Today I got a few Christmas cards in the mail. I've been hanging every one of them up. Not something I normally do. But they have served as a daily reminder of just how many people care. And as I sit typing this, I am brought to tears by the kindness of others, to simply take time out of their day to send me a card. And so many of them are filled with such encouraging words, from people that know my current struggles.
So today when I got a few more, I was even more excited. Because it meant 2 more people cared about me. Something I seem to be losing sight of more and more lately. The first card I opened was simply signed "Santa Claus". Tucked into the card was $200, and a note that said "get your kids, and yourself, something for Christmas". I stood in the kitchen, frozen. Completely frozen. I had no words. $200 may not seem like a lot to some, but to me, it meant Christmas, and a lifetime of traditions. See, our stockings are locked up in storage in Indiana. I didn't have the money to buy new ones, nor the things that go into them. I realize it's "just a stocking", but it was really bothering me that we didn't have them. The first thing I did was charge out to the dollar store for stockings, and stuffers. I was SO excited that a tradition that seems so small, was brought right back into our lives. I was also able to pick up some gifts for the kids, and a few things I've needed that I haven't been able to afford.
I am simply amazed at the generosity of others, and I think I may just be the most lucky person in the world, to have the kinds of friends that I do. I'm not one that can reach out to others when I need something, simply out of pure embarrassment But it was almost like someone had heard me crying myself to sleep at night, and answered my prayers. It may not be the type of Christmas the kids are used to, but because I have the most amazing friends in the entire world, it will be the most memorable Christmas of my life.
To EVERYONE that has helped me this Christmas, even if it was just to say a prayer for me, thank you....from the deepest depths of my heart....thank you. You are all incredible people, and I don't know that I will ever be able to repay you, especially because so many of you are "anonymous", but know that your acts of kindness and love have not gone unnoticed. And when the time, and situation are right, you can be assured that I most definitely WILL be paying it forward.
Despite all of the depression surrounding me lately, I do realize that I am one incredibly lucky person, and I love all of you....even my "Secret Santas!"