Well, would you look at that...

I miss blogging. I just haven't had the urge to write. Despite so many HUGE changes in my life since my last blog, I just had bloggers block for some reason. Lack of a reliable laptop kind of helped that block too. But, like I said, a lot has changed. I feel the urge to write again, I just don't know if the words will be there. I'm not going to make any promises on how much, or when I will write. I'm just dipping my toes in the water again. What a coincidence, that I logged on to here almost an exact year since my last blog entry. I haven't read that last one yet, as the first line was trigger enough for me. I will soon. Not because I want to bring that sad feeling back into my life, but because I want to celebrate how far that I have come in the last 12 months. Life is good....

Moving Forward...

I am a girl without her mother. I never wanted to be that. I had this unrealistic belief that my mother would be in my life forever. She is not. I am the girl who lost her mom at 37. Not just her mom, but her best friend. Her hero. Her rock. Her confidant. Her everything.... And if I try to talk about that, I'll just spend the rest of my day in tears. June 23, 2014. I hate that day. And on that day, I not only lost my mom to cancer, but I learned a lot. I learned who my "loved ones" really are. I learned who was there for me. I learned who the type of people that I wanted in my life were. I learned that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be. I learned that I needed to change. And I have changed. A lot. Even since my moms diagnosis. Priorities are different. Relationships are different. The ways that I was seeing the people in my life are different. No longer can I stand the drama that was encasing so many of my friendships. The talking behind backs, the judging, the hatred and anger. Yes, I was just as guilty. I surround myself with as much "happy" as possible. And in doing so, amazing things have happened. I have had many friends walk out of my life in the past 6 months, without a word. I learned that I was ok with that. Because I was no longer the person that they had become friends with. I'm a better person. I've come to cherish those close to me. I've come to cherish little moments within each day. I've come to love life. I got a promotion at work. To a position that I'm incredibly passionate about. That I love talking about. That I love expanding and experimenting and interacting and watching grow. And I've given up looking for my other half. 2 years single has led to a lot of let me downs, a lot of lies, a lot of ugly truths. Maybe it's just not my time. I know mom would want me happy, so I just have to step back and breathe. And maybe... And maybe. Just maybe....she will send him to me.

June 23, 2014

The day that I still struggle to move beyond... My mother is gone.

I just want to see him cry...

I found this tonight....this was written before mom died...I'm sharing it now. Last night I got asked to join someone at the local speedway. I had an amazing time. Probably the best time I've had in the last year. My mind was clear, I was doing something I love to do...watch racing...and I had great company. I was sitting in the stands when the sun set. I was remembering how as a kid, we'd always go to the races on the weekends, and how much I loved it. We played some of the same "pick your driver games" that we did as a kid. I was just flooded with memories. And I cried. And as I was trying to hide my tears from my company, I looked up and for the first time in a year...noticed the stars. The very first one I spotted, I wished on...and I know you aren't supposed to tell your wishes, but I've always kept them in and they've never come true. So I thought that maybe if I said it this time, it would... I want my dad to cry. It's been one year since we were told that our mother had cancer, and that it was terminal. And in that time, I have watched while my brother and I went through, and continue to go through, emotion after emotion. And my dad hasn't wavered once. I can recall one time, hearing his voice quiver just a little bit. I remember exactly what he was saying, I remember exactly how I felt the second I heard it. And I remember thinking at that very moment, "that is going to stick with me forever", and it has. And now it's a year later. And I'd give anything to see my dad cry. Because I know that he is not crying because he thinks that he needs to be strong for us, and for her, and for everybody in her life that loves her. I do need him to be strong. But more than I need him to be strong, I need him to cry.

A day of struggles, and a random act of kindness...

I have had an incredibly emotional few days. It all started with that stupid stinking shirt last night. This morning, I woke up with plans to get a ton of stuff done before work. Including the laundry that I cried too hard to do last night. The reality of it was, though, I stayed in bed most of the morning, feeling sorry for myself and crying. I finally got up the courage to go visit my mom. It's May Day...I had to take her flowers. And I walked into the room, and there was my dad, my rock, laying in bed just holding her while she slept. Why does that man make me cry so much? We ended up having a really nice visit, and I managed to keep the tears at bay for most of it. I was late getting to work. I didn't care. And when I walked in, my GM asked me, with the sweetest eyes..."how is your mom?" And I lost it. Right then and there. Like a two year old with a stubbed toe. And I cried it out, and I began to feel better. Until the next person asked me. Then I started all over again. This is how most of my night went. After work, I knew I just needed to go somewhere and get my mind off of things for a little bit. Luckily, I work next to an Applebees, and they have fish bowl drinks. Much to my surprise, someone I met recently, offered to meet me there and keep my company. I accepted. And for the next 2 hours, I left everything outside. For the next 2 hours, I laughed, and told stories about my mom without crying...for the first time since her diagnosis. For the next 2 hours, I completely forgot that I was hurting. Someone I don't even really know, realized that this was exactly what I needed. A stranger, of sorts, realized that this was what needed to be done for me. Recognized this need before even I did. Tonight I am actually laying down to bed, with a clear head and a warm heart. Tonight I am happy, because I got to remember all that is good in my life, and what it is like to laugh. I miss laughing.

Stupid shirt anyway....

A shirt. A stupid ass shirt that I bought a few weeks ago, and finally wore. And now it's dirty and needs to be washed. Except that it is black and white stripes. The instructions say to "wash with like colors". Um, what? It's half white, and half black. And I stood there. Confused. Completely confused. So I grabbed the phone to call my mom and ask, and it occurred to me that I couldn't. I couldn't because my mom has cancer, and she is in the hospital. I hate cancer. And so this stupid shirt is the reason that I lost every single ounce of tears that had hidden in my body since the last breakdown. a stupid shirt

Le yawn...

I had a whole lot of activity crammed into my weekend. I don't know if I am on emotional overload, or what tonight, but I can't sleep....more so than usual. Tonight I'm thinking about my mom, and all the things that I wish that I could do with her again. But the truth is, she will probably never have the strength to do any of that again. Tonight my heart hurts. Tonight I want to tell my 10 year old self to make more of an effort to enjoy every single moment with my mom....because it WILL come to an end someday. Tonight I want to lay my head on her lap, and just watch television together. Tonight I want to be 22 years old, standing in her bathroom as I was preparing for a flight, alone, to California, and she was showing me how to properly apply eye-liner. Tonight I want to be sitting at her kitchen table, doing our 60 second "poem challenges". Tonight I want to look out the window, and see her ever content, plucking away at her flower garden. Tonight I have regrets. Tonight, I want to relive all of my yesterdays.